Originally posted on Facebook HERE
Thinking backwards a lot this week. Music, man… music. It can take you right back to a specific era, or time, or place, or even a very specific day and time every now and then. I heard Bryan Adams “One Night Love Affair” the other day, and wow. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Living on Washington Avenue in Oshkosh. At maybe the height of my drug and alcohol days. The Reckless album came out in 1985. I was a totally different person then. And I was overcome with emotion, remembering listening to that song in my car with a woman whose name and face I long ago forgot, but – it’s not a pretty memory. My focus was really mostly “how can I get wasted today?” – with a minor in “who could I have sex with?”. It’s a very lonely, empty, soul sucking place to be. For whatever reason, that song hit a chord that brought back all the feelings of that day, that time, that moment – that I haven’t thought about at all for many, many years. Even writing about it now, I can feel it (the song is playing in my head). It wasn’t until three years later I wound up in treatment for drug and alcohol abuse. But, I do remember the anger I held within me. The hatred at who I was and how I was living, without ever being able to let myself see how bad it had become – because, admitting I had a problem would mean I was weak. And this is part of the trap, right? I don’t need anything from anyone. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. All the while killing yourself inside with your own thoughts of destruction. Outside: I’m fine. Inside: I hate myself and I’m not sure I want to live. The most courageous thing I ever did in my life was ask for help. I have no idea if I’d even be alive today if I didn’t come to that realization back in 1988. I have a cavalcade of horrible memories of the things I did and said when I was using that hurt other people. Sometimes really hurt other people. Often people I really liked, even loved at the time. Remember the old ad “this is your brain on drugs”?…I feel something like that. I’m glad I got through my “this is Dave on drugs” period. I greatly prefer “this is Dave”. Just Dave. No alcohol or drugs needed. But music – ah… music. It’s the emotions, right? It’s the feelings. It’s the love, the anger, the joy, the sadness… whatever you want to feel at the time. I listened to “One Night Love Affair” more than once that day. I guess I needed the reminder of who I was, and how far I’ve come. I thank God for moments like that. Ten years from now, I wonder what song I’ll hear that will bring me back to today? Whatever it is, I look forward to that day, and whatever I decided to create for my life. I wouldn’t change a thing. One life. One love.
