Looking Out My Back Window #36

Originally posted on Facebook HERE

I usually do these posts on Sunday morning. Last week it was Monday morning. The week before that is was Saturday morning. This week it’s Sunday afternoon. I’m all over the place, and that’s a good description of what life feels like to me right now. All over the place with no direction. The struggle is real. I’m not sure what made me start writing a weekly post, what keeps me so intent on continuing it, and somedays why anyone would ever read it, because if I’m taking a good look at what’s going on in my life it’s a pile of “drinking from a firehose” and very little peace. Stuart Wilde wrote a book once called “Life was never meant to be a struggle”. Think it might be time to revisit that book. Very small, can be read in 30 minutes or less I think. But I digress… I’m not writing today or any other day because I have anything figured out at all. I write about the things I’m struggling with. I struggle with my sense of worth, my physical appearance, my anger, time management, conflict, stress, spiritual balance, and many other things. My guess is we all do. I let things bother me that I have no control over. That’s a tough one for me right now. And inside I feel that anger and sadness are way to close to the surface. Like two little pieces floating within my soul waiting for anyone to attack my ego in the smallest perceived way to unleash the anger, or the sadness that lies right there way too close to being reality. Why?… why am I so angry? Why so much unhappiness/sadness that sticks there and even on good days could be called up at any time? I don’t know why. I do know that I’m way better off now that I was years ago. I know that when I was using drugs and alcohol, those two parts of my psyche were very strong. I also feel that I could seriously degrade their power if I spent more time seeking guidance with meditation and prayer. I’ve known it for years, I’ve written about it before. Why does the ego get to manage my time? I find myself thinking I’m building the fisherman’s empire and once I get to the end and I can finally enjoy the fruits of my labor… I’ll look back and think “I had this all along if I would have just stopped long enough to realize it”. (See parable HERE)… today didn’t go as I had planned, I feel bad about that, even though it’s been a good day so far, it’s… not the day I envisioned. So, internally I have this weird, uneasy feeling like I wasted it. I get one day a week off and I wasted it. Even though I didn’t. That never ending anxiety about “perhaps I could be using this time better” seems to also be a running theme for me. Im not sure I have any answers today, maybe just observations. And maybe some of you feel the same things I do. You’re not alone. All I want is to be the best person I can be, help anyone else I can any way I can, and along the way create something that will last long after I’m gone – whatever that is (music, fond memories, writing, a positive influence, etc)… I bought a lot of books on happiness lately. As my life progresses, I’d like to be a bit more happy and a bit less cranky. I’m working on it. Probably not such a bad thing for us all to work on I guess. I wish you all the best in your own quest.

Share this post