Looking Out My Back Window #206

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Originally posted on Facebook HERE

Well… to say there’s a lot going on in my mind today would be an understatement. I guess it pretty much always would be an understatement, but today it’s like the son of the planet beneath understatement or something – understatement squared?… man. I’m a mess. Too many things pulling me in too many directions, the roads are all jammed up and peace can’t get through. And even though I know the pathway to peace runs on a road with no traffic – I pretty much never live my life that way. I am definitely obsessive/compulsive. I know this very well about myself. If I say “I’m going to do that three times a week” – whatever it is, it’s doomed. Not going to happen. If something isn’t important enough to me to make it into my daily regimen, it will almost always fall by the wayside. Everything 100% or not at all is a crazy way to live, but that seems to be how I do it. So, when you are giving five different things 100%, well… that can create an issue. Above and beyond that, though – is this… when I don’t give myself something positive to be obsessed with – running, yoga, meditation, reading, writing, etc… the space will be filled with something maybe not of my own choosing. Drugs and alcohol were front and center for years. But there are other obsessions that aren’t as obvious, whether it’s eating or shopping or binge watching tv shows or many other things… it’s like if I can get enough good obsessions in there – they help clean up the traffic jam in my head. They are the policeman of my thoughts and feelings. I was doing pretty good with my “good” obsessions throughout the pandemic until earlier this year when my streak ended. And here’s the funny part about that – I think I needed that streak to end, because when good obsessions stop being enjoyable you need to maybe pull it back for a while. At least I do. And you ride the tidal wave of life. Highs and lows. And you know what? It’s all awesome. I learn more every day about myself, and what is and isn’t important. The pendulum swings back and forth and I’m just trying to hang on and enjoy the ride. One final thing – no matter who you are, or how good of a person you try to be – there will be people who will not like you at all. And there will be people you won’t like, too. And you will have interactions with people that will not go well. And when it happens, and I find myself wondering “how can that guy be such a jerk?”, or something like that – I can’t help but think – I’m the jerk in his story. How is that possible? How can I be the jerk? Yet I know there are plenty of people who don’t like me at all. And a good amount of people I try to avoid at all costs as well. I try not to let a poor interaction, especially with someone I either don’t know well or like at all affect me, but… nobody likes being the jerk in someone else’s story. It’s a constant battle of head vs. heart. And sometimes it feels like my head is much better prepared to go to war. The heart just wants peace. And the path to peace runs on a road with no traffic…

1 Comment

  1. This was a message I could/should read again and again. Obsessive thinking is something I battle all the time and worrying about others liking me is common. I need to like me first and foremost. It doesn’t come naturally for me to do so. It’s hard work and some days I feel too tired to try. Thanks for sharing what you do. I appreciate it.

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