Looking Out My Back Window #340

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Originally posted on Facebook HERE

Cold out there – weather app says -2° right now. I just got back from the yoga retreat I went on last week – with a couple people I know very well and eleven people I really didn’t know at all. These types of situations – meeting a group of people I don’t really know at all – are really uncomfortable to me. I think I handle them alright, but it’s almost like I have this internal dialogue that says “nobody likes you”. It’s not super easy to write about, either – admitting insecurity like that. You can’t be me without realizing that my first impressions might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I guess. I think in some part it’s why alcohol and drugs were a part of my life for so long – to mask the insecurities. And sometimes the most egotistical person in the room is also the most insecure. Most of the musicians I know are riddled with insecurity. It’s such a vulnerable profession, and everyone has an opinion, too. You’re putting your heart and soul on the line with every note, every song, every performance… and, as with so many things in life – if ten people tell you you were great and one person says something negative – we remember and obsess on the negative. I make a living dealing with people, and in that aspect, in my office, one on one – I’m confident and secure. But when I first started going to family gatherings with my wife’s family I was just really not comfortable at all. I didn’t know anyone. And it’s been a while since I’ve been in that situation, I guess. You never really know what’s going on in another person’s head, you know? But in those situations I overthink and nitpick everything I say and do. It showed me that the introspective journey to true self-love still needs some work. A long time ago I got a pin from a friend of mine as a gift that says “Jesus loves you, everyone else think’s you’re an asshole”. It’s perfect for my sense of humor, but also sums up what it feels like when I’m in an unfamiliar setting with a group of people I don’t know. I have no problem performing music to hundreds or thousands of people. I have no problem with public speaking, either. In those cases I have a plan, a script, I have practiced and visualized it all beforehand. There’s a bit of control. But when it’s an unscripted free for all with a group of people I don’t know I’m on edge and second guessing everything I say and do. The only answer I can see is to make sure I’m spending time with God in meditation and prayer and really focusing on living every moment in line with His guidance. Because when I’m aligned with God, there is no insecurity. Insecurity is all from my ego, my mind. The more I can live from my soul, my heart, from a place of love – the less I will have to be insecure about. I’m thankful to this trip for pointing out I still have work to do in that regard. And I’m very aware when I see others in that situation to do whatever I can to make them comfortable as well. Because we’re all in this together, so let’s do what we can to help each other whenever and however we can. Even little things mean a lot.